Last time we asked a question that came out of an ordinary therapy session: When you look into the mirror, who do you see? We were looking to find answers in what we thought would be a small set of comments. What came back was a remarkable collection of experiences, and the more we read, the harder it became to describe the answers along any single axis.
Our hope was to glean some commonality to explain how we perceive the image each of our headmates sees when (or more accurately, if) they look at their reflection in the mirror. Instead, we find ourselves feeling more unsettled, less grounded and walking away with the feeling that this exercise left us with more questions than we have answers.
Here then is a sampling of what other Systems replied to our open-ended question:
Some people simply see the body; others see the body but don’t recognize it as themselves. They know intellectually whose reflection it is, yet the connection between that knowledge and a sense of “that’s me” just doesn’t land. Several people described the body as a vessel, an avatar, or something they inhabit and maintain. The reflection belongs to the body; the person looking at that reflection may have a very different understanding of what they themselves look like.
For some, the experience changes depending upon who is fronting. Different physical features can seem more prominent to some while more obfuscated to others. The face in the reflection can feel comfortable to some while dysphoric or alien to the others. Some described an internal appearance that becomes part of the visual experience itself. One person described seeing the face they perceive in their head overlaid onto the physical reflection, almost like an image at partial opacity. Another described sometimes seeing paws instead of hands.
Age appeared to influence what many saw. Some littles ‘know’ that the face in the mirror is the System’s while simultaneously seeing an adult who bears little resemblance to how they see themselves. Still others described expecting different heights, builds, faces, or other physical characteristics and being reminded by the mirror that the reflected image doesn’t match their expectation.
Gender added another fascinating dimension. Headmates whose lived gender differs from how they present described feelings ranging from discomfort and dysphoria to a profound lack of recognition. For some, transition had changed their relationship with the reflection, sometimes making it easier to recognize or accept while other times creating more confusion.
Some choose to avoid mirrors altogether. Some see a stranger looking back at them. Some see a body disconnected from ownership. Some recognize themselves intermittently. Some describe the reflection as uncanny or distant; some simply see themselves.
What struck us most reading these responses was how many found more questions than the one they set out to answer: Do we recognize the face staring back at us? Do we even feel like this body is ours? Does it even resemble us? Do we know what we really look like? Does what we see change depending on who is fronting? Does that reflection match our age, gender, species, size, or internal appearance? How do we feel about the person looking back at us?
Those aren’t necessarily different answers to the same question. They may be trying to answer different questions than what we originally tried to answer. It is not uncommon for a headmate or System to hold multiple truths. We hadn’t anticipated the complexity of answers to what felt like a simple question: “When you look into the mirror, who do you see?”
The uneasy feeling we are now left with has left an indelible mark, an additional facet that we now have to contend with. Seems more introspection is in our immediate future.
To be continued...